*Reposted for new subscribers.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post helping husbands understand their wife’s deepest need. Hopefully you have been giving that sponge a workout!
Today, I wanted to help wives discover what their husband needs most of all.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT
Most of us have the idea that in a loving relationship the thing that both parties need is just to be loved. Don’t get me wrong. Guys definitely do enjoy receiving love from their woman!
There is a very interesting verse in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians that shows his deep insight into how to make a marriage the best it can be.
Paul says:
Ephesians 5:33 (ESV): However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Were you surprised when addressing the wives he didn’t say “love your husbands?” I think most people would have expected him to say that, but Paul understands that the needs of husbands are different than the needs of wives. Both men and women want to be loved, and both women and men want to be respected. However, Paul is saying that we need those essential things in different proportions.
What wives need more than anything else from their husbands is to be deeply loved - as Paul said in a previous verse (29), she needs to be nurtured and cherished. That is what I was talking about in my previous post.
HUSBANDS THRIVE ON RESPECT
Even though men are glad when their bride loves them, what they need more than anything else is to be respected. This probably comes as a surprise to most wives because it will be VERY rare for your husband to say anything like that out loud. Men in our culture are not allowed to talk about needing to be respected. And in case you haven’t noticed, the culture has been working overtime for decades to undermine respect for men. Have you heard the term “toxic masculinity”? How many times have you been told that all men are animals? How many sitcoms depict the husband as a bungling boob whose wife has to bail him out of all the dumb situations he gets into because he is so stupid? I know what I’m saying is politically incorrect, and I know there are definitely some men who behave like animals. Many men have lost the privilege of being respected by their bad behavior, but I’m assuming your husband is not one of those guys. I’m talking about your husband. If you chose him, I bet you would say he’s not like that. As with all stereotypes, it’s wrong to paint all men with the same brush. Your husband is a good man. The deep down desire of his heart is that you hold him in high esteem. It’s not because he is conceited. It’s because he wants to be your hero!
Paul says to husbands:
Ephesians 5:25 (ESV): Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Your husband was designed by God to lay down his life for you. Aren’t you absolutely sure that if an armed robber breaks into your house, your husband will stand between the gunman and his family. He is wired to do those kinds of things for his bride and children. A husband will crawl through broken glass to rescue the woman who respects him.
WHAT SPEAKS RESPECT TO A HUSBAND?
Just like men must learn what speaks love to a woman, a wife may not naturally or intuitively know what communicates respect to her man. Of course, the best way to find out is to ask him. After he recovers from the shock of your asking, he may have to think a little, but I’ll bet he will give you some good ideas.
Here are some ideas that I would contribute:
Pay attention anytime he sacrifices to make your life better, whether in time, work, or money, then show your appreciation. A lot of what he does for you may go unnoticed.
When you appreciate good things about his character, say so out loud. You may appreciate his good traits, but if you don’t communicate it, he can’t feel it like when you do.
Make a rule in your marriage that the wife has permission to say, “what you did (or said) felt unloving to me,” and the husband has permission to say, “what you did (or said) felt disrespectful to me.” Both of you will be surprised when you hear that because, most likely, you weren’t intending to be unloving or disrespectful. But by having that rule, neither of you will need to go around with your feelings hurt and both of you will learn how to be more loving and respectful to each other.
Find some good books at the Christian book store that explain the differences in how men and women view sex. God created us with some amazing differences when it comes to how we are wired sexually, and sometimes wives look down on their husbands because they don’t understand this very deep part of his soul. We tend to think there is something wrong with our spouse when they don’t see things the way we do. And that can communicate disrespect. By the way, your husband could benefit from learning about how you are wired as well. It shows great respect for your spouse when you understand their needs and you each seek to meet each other’s needs. These are learned skills and require effort. Perhaps you can read a good book together. It might be stimulating! I recommend Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Intimacy In Marriage. by Dr. Kevin Leman.
Occasionally do something with him that is not your favorite thing, but that he enjoys. Go hunting, or fishing, or camping with him - something that he knows you are doing just because he is your hero.
There is a reason why so many stories are written about a knight in shining armor rescuing his damsel in distress. It’s because every little boy grows up hoping to be some young lady’s hero. I’ll bet you have a knight in shining armor looking for ways to rescue you. You probably don’t need to be rescued, but it wouldn’t hurt for you to let him rescue you anyway! It can just be our little secret!
What a lovely text, Ken. Certain recent trends in thinking have done a lot of harm to both men and women. We had reached such a nice point in the 90s when it was all about pot-feminism and how there was absolutely nothing wrong to be both an independent woman AND have a loving family and then it somehow devolved into radical feminism 2.0 that I suspect has hurt and keeps hurting a lot of people, confusing them and making them want everything in life without giving anything back. And things are so simple. Thank you for reminding me.