*Revised and are-posted for new subscribers.
Relationships are complicated! And the marriage relationship has more interrelated dynamics than any other relationship I know. Conflict is inevitable in marriage, but it can be managed. So we should actively work to avoid conflict whenever possible. If that fails and you find yourself embroiled in a clash with your spouse, you should have some ground rules for fighting fair. I shared the magic words for marriage a few weeks ago as one of the strategies to nip conflict in the bud. Today I want to share some ideas about managing expectations as a way to avoid combat with the one you love most. In this post, we will look at some of the sources of wrecked expectations, and next time we will examine ways to keep our expectations from wrecking our relationship.
Blown expectations are possibly the #1 cause of conflict
Think back to the last big conflict you had with your spouse. Did the person who initially became upset have some expectation that was not met? I have discovered in a majority of cases, that is exactly what happens, but sometimes we don’t see it. The same thing can happen at work: when you are expecting that raise or bonus and it doesn’t happen. Or that promotion you knew was yours and you were passed over for someone else. Same thing when you were growing up: Dad said he would make your baseball game, but didn’t show up. Even when you find out later that all these events had good reasons behind them for happening, it doesn’t change the fact that, at the moment, your expectation was not met, and you felt disappointed and perhaps angry.
Sources of blown expectations in marriage
FAMILY OF ORIGIN DIFFERENCES
Did your family eat meals together or did everyone grab some food and go do their own thing? Did you watch TV together as a family or go in all directions? I’m pretty sure if your family had meals together and watched TV together, your expectation will be that the same will be happening with your new wife. But if she came from a less connected family, she may think it’s “weird” to do everything together. Instant conflict!
DIVISION OF HOUSEHOLD DUTIES
For some reason, when I got married I thought the way my family did something is the way my wife and I would do it as well. Of course, I thought the way my family divided up household duties was the “right” way to do it and if anyone did it a different way, they were weird! I had not lived enough life to gain the wisdom to see that this way of thinking is off. However, I believe it is a strong tendency among young people who marry to believe their families did things right.
My mom painted everything when it needed to be painted or if she just wanted it to be a different color. I assumed that since it was that way in my family, then it was, of course, the mom’s job to paint a bedroom. Well, when my daughter was 9 years old, she told me she wanted her bedroom painted pink. I thought that was a reasonable request so I told the wife that daughter wanted her bedroom pink. Well, days went by and nothing was happening, so I thought I would go above the call of duty and buy the paint and supplies - to help the dear wife out, of course. Paint and supplies languished for over a week. I began to be perplexed. This was not working like it was “supposed” to work. I knew this because it wasn’t working like I had seen it work when I was growing up! Finally, I went even further above and beyond the call of duty. I offered to help paint daughter’s room. I felt this was being extremely generous on my part because I never witnessed my dad painting - he built it and Mom painted it!
Well, still nothing happened. So, I broke down and actually used words to talk to wife about the situation. I found out she wasn’t planning to paint!!!
Unbelievable!
The cognitive dissonance was almost crippling. How can this be happening?! She said she didn’t mind if I painted daughter’s room if I really wanted to!
You see, her mom didn’t paint things and it was her expectation that rooms with perfectly good paint jobs didn’t need painting just because someone wanted a different color! Guess what? I ended up painting daughter’s room!
I have to admit I was hurt and upset. Looking back, I was agitated because my expectations about who paints rooms were completely shattered.
(This is the point where you can draw your own conclusions about how unreasonable expectations can cause mayhem in marriage).
SOCIOECONOMIC BACKGROUND DIFFERENCES
Do your original families differ in how much they spend on:
eating out: once a month or 4 times a week.
hobbies: golf, boats, hunting, sports events.
vacations: trips abroad or staying at Grandma’s.
CULTURAL AND/OR RELIGIOUS BACKGROUND DIFFERENCES
Did your original families come from different cultures with different traditions and cultural norms?
How about different religions with different holidays? If you are both Christians, do your families have different expectations about when/if your children will be baptized? Where they will go to school? There can be some real friction when grandparent’s expectations around religious traditions are blown! Do you and your spouse have different expectations about these things?
How about expectations for education after high school. Does one family think college is absolutely essential while the other family thinks learning a trade is honorable if a person is inclined to pursue that route?
Conclusion
There are so many expectations built into us when we get married it is inevitable we will sometimes be let down. It is important to minimize those disappointments, so in the next post we will check out ways to prevent blown expectations.
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Book recommendation, even if you’ve been married a while, this one has some good advice.
Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married (link), Gary Chapman, Northfield Publishing. Discussion centers around love, romance, conflict resolution, forgiveness, and sexual fulfillment. Included are insightful questions, suggestions, and exercises. Paperback.
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