Stop Trying to Fix It and Pass the Sponge*

Your wife’s primary need is for you to connect with her soul, not solve her problem.

*Reposted for new subscribers.

It is a well known complaint of wives that their husbands are constantly trying to fix their problem rather than listening to what they are trying to say. It is a frustrating dilemma for husbands as well. When we hear our wives talking about a problem they have, we sincerely want to help. We husbands are fix-it machines looking for a problem to solve, and when we see our brides struggling with something, we want to swoop in like a knight in shining armor to rescue our damsel in distress from whatever is vexing them! The difficulty is they don’t want to be rescued, they want to be known.

There is a video on YouTube that illustrates how frustrating this dilemma is for both partners. I hesitate to share it because it doesn’t offer a solution, but I want you to notice how extremely frustrated both of them are by the time the video is over: Here.

See how exasperated they both are?

After 43 years of marriage and 13 years of teaching a marriage class you would think I would have solved this mystery long ago . . . You would think wrong. You see, like many men, when I hear my bride talking about something bothering her, I immediately go into “solve the problem mode.” It is my default mode when hearing a problem.

I have learned, however, that my wife’s deepest need is for me to honor her by feeling her feelings about a situation and understanding her thinking about the problem. She needs me to connect with her soul in her experience much more than she needs a fix to the problem. After I’ve made that soul connection, maybe the next day, fixing the problem is fine. It’s like icing on the cake.

If all I do is fix the problem, however, I leave her feeling totally ignored because I didn’t participate with her in her thoughts and feelings in that moment.

Even though I figured that out, my next difficulty was: How can I know the difference when she needs connection and when she really just wants ideas on solving a problem? Again, my default mode was to try to fix first and then switch to listening mode after it was too late. I had already blown it!

Recently she was explaining, again, how she needed me to connect with her and she said something like, “I need you to honor me by listening without responding. I need you to soak up what I’m saying like a sponge.” Wow. What an image. I got it!

Later I told her, “If I knew the times you need me to sponge it would help me out a lot. What if you sit down by me with a sponge in your hand when you need me to sponge so I cannot miss what you’re needing me to do?”

I’ve had the opportunity to sponge with her a few times now over that past months. I’m still learning and have lots of room to improve, but for the first time I have hope that I can be the sponge that she really needs me to be.

The New Testament instructs: 1 Peter 3:7 (ESV): “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way . . .” Surely living with them in an understanding way includes trying to know their feelings and thoughts - connecting with them on the deepest level emotionally. I believe that will also help wives to feel “nourished and cherished” as husbands are also instructed to do (Ephesians 5:29). After all, love is wanting the best for them and acting accordingly.

So if you have been struggling to solve the dilemma of trying to fix when she needs to connect - how about handing her that sponge and learn to soak her up and bond with her like you’ve never done before?