*Re-posted for new subscribers
In April I wrote about how you can defuse the situation when you see anger in your spouse. The magic words for marriage (link) are “have I done something to hurt you?” Many times this will lower the defensiveness of the one who is hurt and open the door for reconciliation. But once you know they are hurt, the ball is in your court to apologize for the pain you caused.
Sometimes the damage you have done to someone you love does not go away just because you say “I’m sorry.” There is more to a genuine apology than just saying those two words.
There is something deeply human about seeking and granting forgiveness. Created in the image of God, we have a deep sense of right and wrong. When we have been wronged, we need an apology that we feel is real in order for reconciliation in the relationship to occur.
Some are reluctant to say I’m sorry because they think apologizing is a sign of weakness. Or they think “real men don’t apologize!” Neither of those ideas can be further from the truth. People respect the person who takes responsibility for the hurts they cause others.
Family of Origin Differences
When I have an engaged couple in for premarital counseling, I always ask them what constituted a genuine apology in each of their families. In almost every case, the two families have different standards for what makes for a “real” apology. One time I asked the young man how apologies went in his family, and he said, “We don’t apologize in my family because when you love each other you never have to apologize.” His fiancé’s eyes got big as an expression of disbelief spread across her face. She certainly couldn’t live with that! This is why the discussion with your spouse is so important. You need to work out between yourselves what you each need to hear in order to know the other person is genuinely sorry for your hurt. Then reconciliation can happen.
What If I Didn’t Mean to Hurt Them?
Sometimes a person doesn’t feel they need to apologize when they didn’t intentionally hurt the other. Think about when you accidentally crash your grocery cart into a total stranger. Everyone knows it’s appropriate to say, “I’m sorry! I should have been watching where I was going!” Nobody would just walk off without saying anything. But for some reason, when we unintentionally hurt our spouse, we think they are being unreasonable to expect an apology because “I didn’t do it on purpose.”
Elements of a Genuine Apology
1. Admitting what you did was wrong or hurtful.
Sometimes like Fonzie on the 1970’s sitcom, Happy Days, we have trouble saying, “I was wrong.”(link).
Everyone realizes nobody’s perfect. But some individuals have a really hard time admitting wrong. When you have been hurt by someone you love, it is hard to forgive them if they can’t even admit that hurting you was wrong.
2. Accepting responsibility for your actions and being willing to do whatever you can to make it right.
Excuses and minimizing your behavior cancels the apology. Someone may say, “I was wrong, but you made me so angry . . .
As soon as you say “but” you have just canceled out your apology by shifting the blame.
Take full responsibility for what you’ve done and ask what you can do to make it right. If you are willing to put effort into repairing the relationship, that goes a long way toward demonstrating that what you are saying is genuine. Restitution is the reassurance of your love.
3. Expressing regret/empathizing with the pain you have caused.
They want some evidence that you realize how deeply you have hurt them. They need to see your sincere expression of regret - be specific what you are sorry for. Put yourself in their shoes and let them know you can imagine how they felt when you hurt them. It helps them if they know you realize how their pain and your behavior are related.
4. Assuring them you will not do it again.
Genuinely repenting. Do you intend to change or is this going to happen over and over? This may be hard, because we know how easy it is to mess up. But if you can give them the assurance that you are going to work on changing it will help them know you are sincere. You may even ask them to help you change. But if you honestly intend to stop doing the thing that hurts them and convince them that you mean it by telling them your plan for changing, chances are this will help them know you are sincere.
5. Apologize and ask forgiveness.
If we feel like someone really loves us, we are willing to forgive the hurts they’ve done to us when they apologize. Requesting forgiveness shows you want the relationship restored. It demonstrates that you know you’ve done something wrong. Some people will never believe you are sincere in your apology if you don’t ask them to forgive you.
Asking forgiveness can be hard because it puts you in a vulnerable position. You are putting it into the other persons hands whether they want the relationship restored or not. That can be scary. But as we have seen before** vulnerability is a requirement for a truly intimate relationship.
Never demand forgiveness. It is a gift. You cannot demand a gift. Give them plenty of time to respond. It may take a while. Be patient.
Learning Each Others Apology Expectations
Sit down with your spouse and share with each other which of the above elements is most important to you when someone is apologizing. It will probably have a lot to do with how your family apologized when you were growing up. Then remember what elements mean the most to your spouse and be thoughtful as you apologize. Hopefully, your home will be less of a war zone and more of a love nest!
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To read more on the subject, check out this little book:
When Sorry Isn't Enough, Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas, Moody Publishers; 2013, 176 pages.
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