Revised and re-posted.
An apology is an opportunity for a relationship that has been damaged to be repaired. Sometimes the damage is mild and easily fixed and sometimes the hurt is very deep and requires more work by the people involved. Last week we considered how to give an apology that the offended one can receive. Today, let’s think about when you are the one that is wounded. What should you consider when the one you love, and with whom you desire to be reconciled, apologizes?
Is an apology required?
First of all, it is important to think about the offense that hurt you. Was it a moral failure or was it just an annoyance?
A moral failure is when what hurt you was wrong. Lying, cheating, stealing, hitting, verbal abuse, adultery, and name calling are just a few of the things that everyone agrees are moral failures. When one of these is done to you, your sense of justice cries out for things to be made right. The relationship is broken and cannot continue as usual without some serious repair work being done.
An irritation, on the other hand, is not a moral failure and does not require an apology. My stating an opinion you disagree with is not a moral failure on my part (unless I am doing it to make you angry. You see, motive is important in the gray areas and you should probably assume good motives from those you love until proven otherwise). Newly married couples will discover many irritations. We learn to put up with irritations. We are not owed an apology every time someone irritates us! Really. Let that soak in. That would make us impossible to live with!
Now I said an apology is not required for irritations, but I may still apologize for irritating someone if what I was doing was careless or unthinking. Chomping ice loudly when your spouse has mentioned that is annoying many times should be avoided just to be a person others want to be around!
Now, considering that you have received a wound by someone you love and it was wrong, what should you do?
Defining “forgiveness”
An apology is an attempt by the person who hurt you to obtain your forgiveness. Forgiveness removes the barrier between you so that you both can continue building the relationship together. Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a decision. I make up my mind that I am lifting the penalty that you deserve. If it is a sincere apology, I am agreeing to rejoin the effort to build a rewarding relationship with you.
Requesting an apology
If you have been hurt by someone and you are convinced it was a moral failure by them and not just an irritation on your part, then you may have to let them know they hurt you and request an apology. It is possible that they are not aware of your hurt, or as we saw last week, they may not feel like they have done anything wrong. Acknowledging your pain and anger over being hurt is ok if you do it calmly. It is ok to allow yourself to feel disrespected.
Determine if their apology is sincere
It is very hard to grant your forgiveness to someone whose apology isn’t sincere. In fact, it is probably not a good idea to grant forgiveness until you are comfortable that they really mean it. Be specific about your future expectations and limits. You may communicate to them that you expect to see some changes in how they treat you in order to know that they are sincere. Insist on being treated better in the future.
Release your right to “get even”
Once you believe their apology is real, you can let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward them. That means not bringing up how they hurt you in future disagreements! Letting go of bitterness is sometimes really hard to do, but genuinely forgiving someone means you have released them from all that. You may never forget what they have done, but in light of their owning up to it and apologizing, you have let it go.
Tell them you have forgiven them
It is important to verbalize your forgiveness. Instead of saying “ok” when they ask if you can find it in your heart to forgive them, try saying “I forgive you.” It will mean more to them and will seal it in your soul that you have released them from their debt.
If you need time in order to wholeheartedly forgive them, you should say so.
Don’t just say you forgive them just because you think you should. Depending on how deep the wound is, it may take some time before you are able to genuinely forgive. It’s not wrong to ask for more time, but as soon as you feel you can do it sincerely, let them know they are forgiven.
Forgiveness Does Not Remove All Consequences
Forgiveness doesn’t magically undo all consequences, but forgiveness does make reconciliation possible .
Forgiveness does not equal trust
If what they have done has violated your trust, it is important to let them know that they will need to rebuild the trust between you. If your spouse has cheated on you, and you decide to forgive them, you may ask them to demonstrate that they are trustworthy by allowing their phone and internet history to be open for your review. If this sounds radical to you, then you don’t understand how radical of a sin adultery is.
Trust takes a long time to build and can be torn down in an instant. Both of you need to understand that re-establishing the trust that has been shattered will take some time.
Forgiveness cannot remove all emotions. But if you want reconciliation you will learn to manage the emotions. It’s not wrong to grieve over broken relationships, but moving on is important to rebuilding. If you need help dealing with lingering emotions, it is fine to seek counseling.
(If you are dealing with physical abuse, don’t risk your life. Stay safe and get someone else involved who can help).
What if the person who hurt you never seeks reconciliation?
Sometimes people hurt you and don’t really care about your pain. Should you forgive them anyway? In this case, restoration of relationships is pretty much ruled out by their attitude. There are some people you don’t need to have a relationship with - perhaps it wouldn’t be safe to be around them. However, it can be very beneficial to your own mental state and spiritual health to make up your mind that you are going to let go of the bitterness toward them - that you are going to release them. You decide that you are not going to get even and you stop replaying over and over in your mind what they did and how you could pay them back.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:17–18 (ESV)
“As far as it depends on you” be willing to forgive them and let it go.
The ultimate example of forgiveness without an apology
It is possible to forgive someone without receiving an apology from them. It can be very difficult. Jesus showed us how it is done. As he hung on the cross, having been crucified by the throng and the soldiers, as they gambled for his last piece of clothing, Jesus prayed for them.
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments. Luke 23:34 (ESV)
We can only forgive as Jesus forgives with his help. It certainly doesn’t come naturally. Seek his help as you forgive those who have hurt you. You may find that you have laid down your bitterness toward someone and have picked it back up again. Keep working at it. The freedom in your heart after you have forgiven someone is worth the effort.
Forgiveness cannot erase all memories. You can forgive, but you probably won’t forget. Just remember how much God and others have forgiven you and it will help you when your memories tempt you to bitterness.
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12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Colossians 3:12–15 (NLT):
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Recommended reading:
Boundaries in Marriage, Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.