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Men and women are different. I’m saying this because when I was a young man, the narrative they were pushing was that boys and girls were born as “blank slates”. Do you remember that psycho mumble jumbo? Thankfully, that silliness didn’t make it out of the 1970’s!
We know that men and women are wired differently. Anatomically, physiologically, and psychologically, women are different from men. We know it instinctively, but it hasn’t always been politically correct to say it out loud! Some are afraid if they agree the two sexes are different, then it logically follows that one is better. That is a logical fallacy. Different does not mean superior or inferior, it simply means different.
In previous posts, we looked at the different needs of husbands and wives in marriage. A wife’s deepest need is to know she is loved by her husband who has learned to connect with her soul by knowing her thoughts and feelings (link) through listening to her concerns about a problem instead of trying to fix it! And we saw what a husband craves most is to be respected - to be his wife’s hero. (link). Unfortunately, we usually don’t know these things when we marry, so we have conflict because our deepest needs are not being met.
Body Language that Says “I’m Interested in You
Here is another thing we don’t instinctively know when we get married: Our body language tells someone if we are interested in them or not. And because we don’t know what our spouse is expecting, we can unintentionally send the wrong message.
GIRLS COMMUNICATE FACE-TO-FACE
When little girls get to be 4 or 5 years old and are playing with their best friends, they tend to be face-to-face.
As she matures and becomes interested in young men she expects if a guy is really interested in her, he will get face-to-face and look deep into her eyes as they talk. He would never ask her to marry him while staring out the window!
BOYS TEND TO COMMUNICATE SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER
When little boys get to be 4 or 5 years old and are playing with their best friends they tend to be shoulder-to-shoulder.
As they mature and become interested in young ladies they expect if a gal is really interested in them, she will want to do shoulder-to-shoulder things.
Guys can be uncomfortable looking directly into each other’s faces. I don’t know why. It’s too . . . weird! Actually I think women are more in touch with their feelings and can process strong emotions. Men can learn. Don’t give up on us! It just doesn’t come as naturally for us. When guys need to talk about something important we spend time together and that time is usually doing something shoulder-to-shoulder. Golfing, fishing, hunting, watching football.
Be Aware of How Your Spouse Feels Connected and Meet Them Halfway
The lady who was teaching this body language seminar told the story about going deer hunting with her husband. They sat in a cold deer blind all day. They couldn’t talk because it might scare the deer away. As the sun was going down they were walking back to the pickup. They had not seen a single deer! She was thinking, “What a completely wasted day. We didn’t even get to talk.” Her husband broke the silence and said, “Honey, I think this was the best day ever! I really enjoyed your hunting with me today. It was great!”
He was saying, “I felt loved and respected by your spending time with me.” She learned that you can be together without talking and she began to appreciate the difference in what they each needed to feel close.
Husbands, if you really want your wife to know you are serious about her, sit down with some coffee across from her and lean on in. Look her straight in the eyes and talk to her soul. Yes, it can be uncomfortable being that vulnerable, but it is definitely worth it. Vulnerability is the pathway to true intimacy.
Wives, try understanding that he treasures being with you. Sure, he likes talking and sharing. I know this sounds crazy, but watching that football game with him can mean a lot to him because you are side-by-side with him. . .
And that is where his most intimate friends have always been - side-by-side.