*Revised and Re-posted for new subscribers.
Friday, in Managing Expectations, Part 1, we looked at the causes of unmet expectations and how that brings about conflict. Today, let’s look at some ways to prevent that from happening.
Preventing blown expectations
Communication
A key to preventing conflict is constant communication about expectations. Constantly. Constantly be communicating your expectations and checking on your spouse’s.
We all know communication is the key to good relationships, so we may be tempted to just give this a cursory glance and move on. But I hope you will seriously consider being more intentional with your communication, especially with regard to expectations.
If you and your spouse are planning an event that will be the first one of it’s kind as a couple, it is a good idea to spend a few minutes discussing your expectations about what you are planning.
That would have saved us some conflict on our first camping trip! You see, wife’s family went tent camping for a week or two every year when she was small, cooking their meals over a campfire. She had a lot of wonderful memories about that experience.
When our kids were about 10 and 8, we decided it would be fun to take them on a camping trip. I borrowed a tent and we headed off to the state park. When we arrived at our campsite, wife said, “You can start working on the campfire and after I get the groceries situated, I will join you.” My family of origin did not go camping. I had never built a campfire. How hard could it be?
I threw 3 or 4 logs into the metal fire ring, soaked them down with some charcoal starter fluid, stepped back, and threw a lighted match on the stack. WHOOSH!! Instant campfire! You might say it was a small bonfire. It was great! Proud of myself, I turned around just in time to see wife’s reaction when she saw the fire. She froze. Her face fell. And I realized instantly I had done something terribly wrong.
I had ripped away from her one of the things she enjoyed most about camping - building the fire. You see, you are supposed to start with some dry leaves, then when they are lit, you add some tiny twigs, and then you add sticks. When the fire is big enough you begin to add the larger limbs, holding back the logs until the fire is complete.
I had totally blown it. What is really sad is there was no way I could fix the situation. Even if I put my fire out and we started over, her expectations had been thoroughly crushed.
Since we had never been camping together before, it might have been wise for me to ask her, “What are the 3 things you enjoy most about camping?” Some follow up questions about each one would have clued me in on the fact that she really enjoyed building a campfire the RIGHT way.
ASSERTIVENESS AND ACTIVE LISTENING.
Mind-reading is not a reasonable expectation!
It is your responsibility to let your spouse know what you would like. If you would rather have candy for Valentines Day instead of flowers, say so! But you say, “If I have to tell him what I want, then it ruins it.” I’m sorry, but he is not a mind reader! If you never let him know what you would like, you will be constantly disappointed and he will be constantly frustrated trying to guess what you would like. This goes for both husbands and wives. Agree with each other that you will share your desires with each other and you will be thrilled when your lover is considerate enough to give you your heart’s desire!
When listening, you should repeat back to your spouse the new information they have given you in your own words to confirm that you understood it.
Speaker and listener BOTH have a responsibility to make sure the message was received correctly.
SAND vs. STONE
Have you ever been talking about going to a concert together and then on the night of the concert one of you is ready to go and the other is goofing around, obviously not even thinking about it!? “Why aren’t you ready to go to the concert?!” “Which concert?” “You know, the one we talked about last week. The concert is tonight - in 30 minutes!” “I know we talked about it, but I didn’t think we had decided we were actually going!” Sound familiar?
The wife and I had many misunderstandings like that for many years until we developed a plan and a couple of code words. Now, when we are discussing an upcoming event, before we are finished, one of us says, “Sand or Stone?” If we both are still considering it, but haven’t committed, we agree it is in SAND. We might decide later on we want to do it, but right now it is still in limbo. If we both agree we definitely want to do it, we say it’s in STONE, and we both put it in our calendar. We have avoided a lot of unmet expectations this way.
PLANNING
Plan as much as possible.
-Always be thinking ahead. You are not single anymore.
-Always be fair.
-Always be flexible.
-Don’t make a plan that involves the other without talking together first, preferably in private.
EMPATHY
Putting yourself in their shoes. Living out the Golden Rule.
Be committed to nipping conflict in the bud by swallowing pride and being willing to examine the possibility that YOU were insensitive, or clumsy, and on the other hand, be willing to consider that you had unreasonable expectations.
And be quick to forgive.
__________
FOR FURTHER REFLECTION:
“We spend our whole lives in unconscious exercise of the art of expressing our thoughts with the help of words.” Van Gogh
__________