*Reposted for new subscribers.
As I was growing up, I was told over and over that “please” and “thank you” were the magic words. Sure enough, life is much more pleasant when everyone is considerate and polite. Like they say, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE
“Please” and “thank you” are very important to maintain with your mate after you get home from the honeymoon, but you really need some other magic words when there is tension in the relationship.
Conflict in marriage is going to happen. There is no doubt about it. When conflict flares, anger is usually in the mix. I want to share a few observations from my experience working with couples.
ANGER IS USUALLY THE RESULTS OF HURT
When someone hurts us we actually have a couple of options:
We can respond in anger, which is a way of protecting ourselves. It is the opposite of being vulnerable. Our walls of protection go up and we get our guns ready to respond. Usually when hurt, we have a tendency to want to hurt them back. After we do that, both are angry and shooting barbs at each other. Then home is not a safe haven, but a battle zone.
OR
We can respond without anger by calmly letting the one who hurt us know we were hurt by something they did. This is easy to say, but very hard to do in real life because in order to say to my lover, “It hurt me when you did that,” I have to become extremely vulnerable. Because if they don’t respond positively to my statement of hurt, I can be very much more deeply hurt. If they say, “ Well, you shouldn’t be so sensitive!” Ouch! That cuts to the soul when you are already hurting and vulnerable. If they say that while you are mad, it doesn’t hurt as much because your walls of protection are up. But if your defenses are down, it can really sting.
WHEN YOU SEE ANGER IN YOUR SPOUSE, TRY TO SEE IF THEY ARE HURT
Since it is very hard to be vulnerable when one is hurting, it is a good thing to be on the lookout for hurt in your mate and to help them feel safe in speaking about the hurt.
MAGIC WORDS: DID I DO SOMETHING TO HURT YOU?
I can say, “Did I do something to hurt you?” Now I’m the one being vulnerable. But since I’m not already hurting, I can take the risk. When I say this, many times the anger in her may melt away because she realizes that I care about her feelings and I’m wanting to know her. She becomes less defensive and more ready to risk sharing her feelings. Now, I need to be prepared for her answer. Most likely she will say yes and tell me how I hurt her. 99% of the time she will be hurt by something I said or did. But instead of defending myself, I need to stay in vulnerable mode and put myself in her shoes, and try to see how I would feel if I were her. Defensiveness will undermine the whole process. Willingness to own what I did - even though it wasn’t intentional** - is essential to her feeling heard. That is how real communication can happen! Of course, this works both ways, for husbands as well as wives. Each of us needs our spouse to care about our feelings.
MAGIC WORDS DON’T WORK EVERY TIME BUT WHEN THEY DO IT IS WONDERFUL
We are all very complex persons with wounds and scars and broken areas in our life. We all carry some emotional baggage around. That makes it hard to find something that works every single time. If these magic words work half the time, that means 50% less fighting and that much more closeness. Trust will grow as you go through this process. As trust grows, you get more and more comfortable being vulnerable, and vulnerability is the doorway to deep intimacy. Relationships grow when properly nourished, and conversely, they shrivel when neglected.
If the magic words work their magic, home will be a safe haven from the world outside. A place where we can be real and be safe with the one who knows our wounds, scars, and broken areas better than anyone else - and still loves us just the same.
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**Note: Sometimes the person who unintentionally hurt his/her spouse may object to saying they are sorry for hurting the other. After all, they didn’t do it on purpose! Think about it his way: when you unintentionally crash your grocery cart into the backside of a lady in the grocery store, don’t you say, “O, I’m so sorry!” Or if you accidentally backed into that Tesla in the parking lot and the owner jumps out, don’t you apologize for crunching their fender? Letting someone know you are sorry you hurt them is not admitting you did it intentionally. It is showing you care about the damage you have caused. It’s part of being a person of integrity. You take ownership of what you have done even if it wasn’t done on purpose.
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Other relationship posts links:
Stop Trying to Fix It and Pass the Sponge
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Book recommendation link:
Love and Respect, the love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs. By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
I’ve learned this many times over. Over time I’ve been better at being less defensive. It’s hard to swallow pride and not want to hurt her because I felt offended. I’m a work in progress and Jesus is guiding me. Thank you Ken.