The Pathway to True Intimacy*

We must walk through the Valley of Vulnerability to arrive at genuine intimacy

*Reposted for new subscribers.

You might recognize the title is a line from last weeks post about relationships. If you read many of my relationships posts, you will probably see it again. In the marriage class I teach, it is a recurring theme because intimacy makes a marriage relationship much more stable and a lot more fun! Let me clarify that even though some people use the word intimacy as a code word for the sexual relationship, my use of the word is much broader. Intimacy is deeply connecting with your spouse’s inmost being - their mind, soul, and spirit. Sexuality may include various levels of intimacy, but I believe everyone understands that, sadly, you can have sex with no intimacy at all!

Contrary to the story lines of movies and cheap paperbacks, intimacy does not just happen. It doesn’t just overwhelm you when you run into the “right” person. There are steps that you must take to arrive there. You cannot ignore the process and expect the results to occur. It helps if both people involved in the relationship are working the process together. I call the process the pathway to true intimacy.

STEP ONE - TRUST

Trust is the foundation of all human relationships and is absolutely essential in marriage. Many marriage relationships never make it past step one because they are not honest with each other.

There are no “little” lies in marriage because every discovered deception undermines trust. Trust grows over time as I realize my spouse is honest with me even when it embarrasses her or exposes one of her character flaws. In fact, trust and vulnerability overlap, because many times being honest puts me in a situation I would rather avoid. It takes years to build deep trust in each other, but it can all be torn down in a moment. Trust is not only related to what I say, but also to the way I conduct myself. I must always behave around the opposite sex the way I would behave if my wife were present with me. I must always talk to other people about my spouse as if she were by my side. Nothing about what I did or what I said should ever get back to my spouse and undermine our relationship. It’s too important to me - to us.

This sounds extreme, but I should live in such a way that if someone says something untrue to my wife about me, she will believe me instinctively because I have always been honest with her. That kind of trust is hard to build, but it is worth it. That means I tell her the truth even when the truth makes me look stupid or reveals something broken in my character. I cannot, I must not save face and lose my wife’s trust.

The bottom line is a married couple should pledge to one another early in their relationship that they will always be honest with each other. If they are engaged, they should consider putting “I will never deceive you” in their wedding vows. It’s that serious.

STEP TWO - VULNERABILITY

As we are growing in a family and as we venture off to school, we quickly learn that we have to develop strategies to protect ourselves. Whether intentional or not, it really doesn’t matter, we are deeply wounded by parents, siblings, and especially school mates. Children can be incredibly cruel. Perhaps being cruel is one of the strategies we develop to self-protect. As we grow into adulthood we find one of the best strategies is hiding. Hiding in plain sight. Hiding behind the masks we wear that tell people we are ok, when inside we are not ok at all.

We learn being honest about our true feelings and our true selves is quite dangerous. If people don’t know about the wounds, and scars and broken areas in our lives they can’t attack us where it hurts most. Hiding is an effective strategy for preventing ourselves from being hurt . . .

But it is a lousy strategy for connecting on the soul level with another person we are seeking to love. If both people are hiding behind masks, no REAL relationship can begin.

VULNERABILITY REQUIRES RISK

My first post to this newsletter was Love Involves Risk. When I take my masks off and the real me is visible, it’s very scary because I’m risking being deeply hurt. My protective armor is down. I can only do this if I trust you not to take advantage of my exposed position.

I love a beautiful verse in the Bible that illustrates what being vulnerable looks like:

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2.25.

Adam and Eve had been created by God and were living in the garden of his blessing. This was before they decided to rebel. They were both naked but not ashamed. Not only were they totally exposed to each other physically, but I believe emotionally and spiritually as well and they were comfortable in each other’s gaze! Isn’t that amazing!

After they rebelled, they began the hiding games that we all do because, for the first time, they felt shame.

Shame is the feeling that you don’t measure up. Shame is knowing that you are not worthy. If the real me is exposed to my wife and she laughs or judges me, I feel deep shame because I know I don’t measure up in her eyes and that she judges that I’m not worthy of her love. I am crushed. Devastated. It is so risky.

In order for intimacy to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen for what we really are. And in order to be willing to take that risk, I MUST trust my spouse. See how we have come full circle back to trust?

Vulnerability is NOT weakness!! It takes great courage to be seen . . . really seen!

VULNERABILITY REQUIRES EMPATHY

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to respond well when you see your spouse being vulnerable.

You may be surprised at what you see when your husband removes his mask. But you must not laugh or judge him! If you want to be REAL and grow in intimacy, then empathy is essential. You must let him know he is accepted in spite of any flaws you see.

The key to empathy when your spouse is exposed like that is to realize that you are also imperfect and have been hiding behind your masks, too. Remember you both are created in the image of God and are valuable enough to God that Jesus was willing to die for you. Surely as a fellow human you can have compassion. After all, you will need him to have empathy when you are fully seen by him as well.

STEP THREE - INTIMACY

Remember, the goal is to communicate to them that they measure up. Convince them by your words and actions that they are worthy of your love. Be demonstrative if you need to, but the goal is that they come to realize that they really are SAFE in your presence even when they are totally and completely seen for who they really are. It is a wonderful feeling to be “naked and not ashamed,” accepted and loved.

When my wife and I were getting serious about possibly getting married, I had a problem. I wore an eyepatch because cancer had claimed one of my eyes when I was small. My face was slightly deformed from the radiation treatments and the scars from the surgery plus the fact that an empty eye socket is what you might see in a horror movie! This made me dread her seeing me without my patch. I knew when we were married I couldn’t hide the real me from her like I did from everyone else. I needed to know before we married if she would still accept me even with my challenging appearance. It was the most vulnerable, risky feeling when she saw my uncovered face for the first time. I was prepared for the deepest pain, but she was so kind and gentle with me. My fear was replaced with elation when it sank in that I was accepted! Even my ghastly face wouldn’t cause her to turn her eyes away. She saw me for who I really was and chose me anyway!! Woo hoo!! I measured up!

Give your spouse the gift of being worthy in your eyes. You will be most connected and most likely to find true intimacy when everyone’s masks are off, and both of you know that you’re ok . . . REALLY OK.

__________

Check out this TED talk video to learn more about vulnerability:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability